Religion is one of those things that is deeply rooted in many of us, and to question it may seem unthinkable. If we choose to question the unquestionable, it has the potential of setting off a chain reaction that can lead us into an existential nightmare.
When I began to question the religion of my childhood upbringing in my early 20’s, I fell into a huge black hole of spiritual emptiness that left me hopeless. I was raised in the Jewish religion, and I turned my back on it when my devout grandmother died of cancer. After she passed, I no longer considered myself Jewish, and I wanted nothing to do with God. In my mind, I thought a woman as devoted to God as my grandmother was would never get cancer. Somehow I thought she was immune since she was so spiritual. I came to the conclusion that if that is how God treats those who are devoted to It, then f**k God.
Oh, how I have spiritually matured since then! But the journey from there to here was not an easy one. You see, ever since I was a little girl, I had a very strong sense of spirituality, so when I kicked God out of my life, I cut off my lifeline, and I became a lost soul blowing in the wind.
I had a lot of nerve turning my back on God and my religion. When you are born and raised Jewish, you can never really leave the tribe. It is literally in your blood. I was so divided inside of myself because on the one hand, I couldn’t ignore my heritage, but on the other hand, I felt betrayed by it. I blamed God and was so angry at It for causing my grandmother’s suffering, that I no longer wanted to identify with my culture and religion.
For the first few years following my grandmother’s transition, I became a self-proclaimed atheist. My anger and frustration were very strong; I swore I would never believe in God again. However, as the anger subsided, and I realized God was not to blame for my grandmother’s suffering, I began feeling a spiritual emptiness inside of me, and I knew I needed to fix my relationship with God. However, the answers for me were not to be found in Judaism.
So I became a spiritual seeker and read voraciously about different spiritual philosophies and religions. My search began with Buddhism and Taoism, and I found great comfort in seeing God in a new way. My biggest issue with Judaism was the belief in an angry, vengeful God. I wanted to believe in a loving God, and the love and compassion that is taught in Buddhism resonated with me and filled me up. My spiritual connection to God was restored, and I felt alive and optimistic again.
In 2000, I really hit spiritual pay dirt when I discovered Science of Mind, or should I say, it found me. Finally, the perfect spiritual philosophy where God is everywhere, inside and out, It is pure love, and we can change our lives simply by changing our thinking. It was the perfect blend of psychology, philosophy, and healing through prayer. Science of Mind was everything I was searching for all those years.
As painful as it was for me to question the unquestionable by turning my back on my childhood religion and God, the journey brought me into the perfect relationship with God, and my life was reignited. Every step on that journey was important to me, and I am grateful God was patient with me.